Alphathon

PAX Prime 2012: The Peso Arcade Alphathon

Hola Senors and Senoritas. My name is Cuevo Johnson and I am here to tell you about the most spectacular convention driven gaming contest ever conceived by man. This is a contest that transformed the rag-tag group of pranksters from the PAX Prank group into the cutthroat and relentless organization of Peso Arcade. And with the glorious leadership of yours truly, we were able to create the best damn contest pesos can buy!

You see we here at Peso Arcade were kicking around the old futbol and discussing over some delicious churros the simple fact that there isn’t a convention driven gaming contest that is man enough to take science by the juevos. That’s why we here at Peso Arcade have created the Alphathon!
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Unlike other inferior gaming contests, not mentioning Omegathons by name, the Alphathon decided to throw all of the rules out the window in creation of this prank. Of course the standard gaming contest pieces were assembled. Fantastically designed posters and t-shirts were put together for the staff to have and show off at each of our events. The staff was organized and set up with well coordinated plans for each contest. The plan was set and we just needed the venue. That venue was PAX Prime.

The arrival of Peso Arcade was met with much fanfare upon our unveiling at the convention during the opening Q&A. We came out with descriptions of grandeur and after having recruited thousands of attendees for our opening round, we sent them to battle against a Giant Mechanical Cerberus. Unfortunately the great beast slaughtered all of our contestants so the impromptu plan was devised to gather new contestants out of the random attendees we encountered throughout the convention. This still would be a contest of glory the likes of which Penny Arcade had never seen!

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That is until the damned lawyers showed up. Gaming convention contest copyright lawyers were trying to say that our contest was comparable to that pitiful contest known as the Omegathon. Bah! They showed up soon after we did to notify people that they will be keeping a close eye on the Alphathon for any wrong doings. It was truly disgraceful.

After much strategizing, 22 rounds of trial and error, it was ultimately decided that hitting the line waiting for the Friday night concerts would be the best time and place for our first major event. My fellow gentleman Sir Charles Johnson came up with the brilliant idea so we decided to let him take charge of this round. He arrived with music on hand and a group people erupting in cheers at our arrival, anticipating to be part of the next round. After selecting our 10 contestants, it was announced that this round would be a round of fashion, style, finesse, and grandeur. A Zoolander Runway Walkoff!

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The contestants were lined up had to runway their butts off to three songs. Ultimately the group of ten was whittled down to a battle of two, and a final walkoff was thrown down to determine the winner between a snazzy young man with some fantastic moves and one of Peso Arcade’s own female champions that was winning over the crowd with her striking poses. Ultimately it was an extremely close call but the crowd was won over by the female strength of our reigning champion.

And while the lawyers made their presence felt by lurking on the edges of the crowd and passing out business cards, their presence was underwhelming in comparison to the massive presence and response Peso Arcade received. Just to stick it to them, Sir Charles and the Peso Arcade team danced through the streets of downtown Seattle to the beats of Psy’s Gangnam Style. It was exquisite.

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While many were excited about our first day’s progress, there was much anger felt from Sven Johnson that there was simply not enough carnage, bloodshed, and dancing in the Alphathon and he went to the Make-a-Strip Panel to express his frustration. He quickly announced that the next round of the Alphathon was now and that it would be a dance off!

While many in the audience were quick to participate in said dance off, the music was very quickly shut off by the lawyers who said that the facility did not meet safety dance safety standard regulations and we must immediately cease the round of competition. It was an extreme source of frustration but Sven Johnson was quick to point that this was not over and that we had more in store.

And we surely did…

My comrade in arms Czar Johnson argued that all this dancing and prancing was great and all but what we really needed to do is have a round of rock. So after a couple hundred more rounds of middling success and minimal casualties, we eventually got to Saturday evening and we let Czar go forth for our next big round. This was going to be a round of two hand-picked teams battling it out with an intensity and ferocity that could only be matched by The Protomen. It was going to be an Air Rock Band Battle of the Bands!

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We showed up to an even greater eruption of cheers and excitement by the audience, which Czar harnessed well. Upon hand selecting each of the teams and informing them of the rules, it was also announced that the songs they would be air rocking out to would be songs of The Protomen. We unfortunately were unable to get The Protomen to be our guest judges, but we did still have an intense amount of rocking out, including fantastic air instrument work and even a keyboardist solo lift.

We had some back and forth and it was a good duel but ultimately we had to choose a winner. The audience was cheering constantly at the fun of it though. Of course those ludicrously ridiculous lawyers had to show up again, but they were once again overshadowed by the intensity of Peso Arcade. An intensity so great, even Khoo had to come and see what was happening.

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In the end though, after all was said and done, and all other contestants were eliminated, we were down to 2.

Mike and Jerry.

After hours of deliberation, it was Canuck Johnson that came up with the fantastic final round idea. We decided to bring the final round to them this time, doing it during their signing session on Sunday. We took to the stage with fanfare and after Canuck Johnson gave everyone the news that the final round would be the ultimate battle of wits and skill. It would be…

A PONY DRAWING CONTEST!

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It was a hard-fought battle but ultimately it was Mike that come to be victorious in the end. We gave out the awards and even though Jerry finished in 2nd place, he seemed more excited than Mike.

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In the end the Alphathon was a rousing success of the Peso Arcade group and of course me, Cuevo Johnson. It was one that was loved by all that lived through their experiences of it and though do to health and safety standards in the US we are never allowed to hold this event again, I believe it was well worth all the ongoing lawsuits.

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And just remember, keep gaming my friends.